Jonathan Roberts Not Safe for Society
Jonathan Roberts Not Safe for Society
Not Safe For Society: Rebuilding a Life – Overcoming Addiction, Embracing Sobriety, and Rediscovering Personal Fulfillment
Andy Chinikidiati, our close friend and former client, joins us in this heartfelt episode to share his incredible journey from managing a dairy farm in New Mexico to seeking a better life balance in sales. When Andy reached out to us a year and a half ago, he was at a crossroads, grappling with the fallout of a tough divorce and a battle with alcoholism. His story is a testament to the power of honest communication and the transformative changes that it can spark. You'll hear about his struggles with sobriety and how our connection became the catalyst for his journey towards a new life.
Amidst the serious discussions, there's a humorous anecdote involving a Pittsburgh Steelers Zoom call that leads to a profound reflection on misplaced priorities and the quest for self-respect. Andy's decision to move to Arizona in search of sobriety brought both challenges and critical realizations. He speaks candidly about the consequences of addiction, the pivotal moments that prompted true change, and the importance of breaking old patterns for genuine recovery. This part of the conversation underscores the harsh realities of addiction and the resilient spirit needed to overcome it.
We also tackle the complex process of rebuilding relationships and the emotional journey of self-discovery. Andy shares insightful stories from his time in rehab, the goal-setting that propelled his recovery, and the crucial support from loved ones. As we wrap up, we touch on the significance of setting goals, maintaining gratitude, and the positive influences that shape our lives. From his relationship with Robin to the excitement of an upcoming family trip to Arizona, Andy's story is filled with lessons on commitment, self-awareness, and the enduring power of personal development. This episode is not just about overcoming addiction, but about finding the strength to rebuild and thrive.
Welcome to another podcast episode of Not Safe for Society. I'm Jonathan Roberts and today I am changing it up a little bit. Today I actually decided to bring on a guest.
Speaker 2:And as I grab my notes here, I decided to bring on a guest and I'm going to start bringing on guests more and more often.
Speaker 1:But I'm going to bring on one of my good clients turned friend I mean shit, dude, family friend now. He knows my wife, we know his girl, Like really good people and I'm bringing him on because I want to share his story. So his name is Andy Chimichuri.
Speaker 2:How do you say your last name? It's Chinikidiati.
Speaker 1:That's made up.
Speaker 2:So Andy.
Speaker 1:Chimichuri is here with me today. I'm just kidding, I won't try that, but I also won't say your last name. He's here with me today and we're just going to share some you know, share a little bit about your story and kind of what you do, who you are and really you know see what goes on. So like, start me off just a little bit like who the fuck are you, without going too much into your story. Just tell me a little bit about business and who the hell you are as a person, your backstory.
Speaker 2:So I grew up as a city boy. Really, school didn't offer me anything. My family had a dairy farm in New Mexico. So I grew up in Pittsburgh, pennsylvania, but family had a dairy farm, worked there in the summer Spill and lube with just working and making money. So when I was about 16, I moved in with my uncle, worked on the dairy full time, started managing dairies, moved my way up to sales. Managing dairies you're there 16 hour, you know, 12 hour days, seven days a week. You never get a break and you don't make that much money. So sales was the way to go. Could be with my family, got divorced, turned into an alcoholic, got my shit together and now we're kicking ass.
Speaker 1:Sweet, so we'll send the podcast there.
Speaker 2:So it's going through his whole story and everybody knows everything.
Speaker 1:No, we're gonna we're gonna break some of that down and really, you know, get some of the big key takeaways of how the hell you and I got you know, um, acquainted and really just what you've done with your life, because you know you related a lot to us like this relationship. But really it's just you were just looking for something as a catalyst to help you kind of get to where it is, so what?
Speaker 2:was it about a year ago?
Speaker 1:a year and a half ago.
Speaker 2:Yeah, around a year and a half ago, yeah.
Speaker 1:So yeah, you had I mean we'll call it what it is submitted a lead to some way of our company. I don't remember exactly what it was, it might've been our text number or whatever it is, but I gave you a call and on that first call, I mean you were what was about noon?
Speaker 1:about noon and noon, pretty sure, yeah, hammered, yeah you had a pretty good and I was calming, yeah, yeah you had a pretty big buzz going and I I really don't even remember why you reached out and there was no real purpose other that content in that first conversation, other than just to like make a relationship because I didn't try to pitch you shit.
Speaker 1:I didn't try to recommend any like changes. I just told you hey, let's get on a fucking call tomorrow and I think I told you to be sober or some shit at like 10 and you're like you'd be sober at four o'clock tomorrow okay, yeah, that's like I'll try to be sober.
Speaker 2:I'll, I will be sober if we're, because the conversation was really good and I remember like, hey, this guy could actually help me. He didn't tell me I was a fucking idiot. Oh, eventually you did not call you a little bitch, yeah, but you told me the things I needed to hear and nobody else did tell you that. Or I screwed up so many relationships my life that I wasn't listening, or they weren't, they didn't care to tell me well, I could tell that you had an alpha personality.
Speaker 1:You were, you know, kind of that dominant personality that you didn't want someone to sit there and tell you you were okay and it's, you know, to just get by and figure it out nicely, like I had to get you know a little bit rough definitely a second conversation when you were sober.
Speaker 1:It was a little bit more of a direct conversation. I think that's probably where I called you a little bitch. Yeah, I told you to quit being a bitch which is a nice way of calling you a bitch um, and then, yeah, so we have that conversation and then you decide I think on that day it was that you decided you were going to be sober for a while, right? I also like yeah booked you to one of our live events.
Speaker 2:It might have been that call or a different call shortly after, but well, you told me to come fly out and see you, at least visit, yeah, something like at least that. So I flew out.
Speaker 1:I had to be here for work anyways, and then I made the extra 30 minute trip yeah, okay, yeah, come out, visit, I give you a tour and everything to show you what it was about. Um, so when you decided on that second phone call, because you did say you're going to stay sober for a while, how long did you make that? One wasn't very long, oh, maybe three or four days.
Speaker 2:Three or four days, okay, yeah and which, at the time, was pretty good for me. I mean, I never really made it that long.
Speaker 1:Well, bring me back there. Like, what level? Like, because everyone's a different alcoholic right, like, if you have a beer a night.
Speaker 2:You're a fucking alcoholic, in my opinion it's because there's an addiction to it.
Speaker 1:You've got to have it and trust me. I lied to myself like I just drink two a night. Yeah, two a night always turns into 12 a night. So like what was your pattern back?
Speaker 2:then there was no shut off valve. It started out as fun, like I got divorced, uh, messed up my headspace. I didn't realize how big of a failure I was in life and why everything happened to me. I didn't take self-responsibility, it was like a pity thing. I started drinking, having fun, doing stupid things. I had good friends. Me and my friends went through a divorce at the same time and we developed the same habits. We would drink every day, bought a boat, drink all the time, I would say. I got to the level where I was drinking at least a bottle of Tito's a day at least. My alcohol bill is at least 300 bucks a day on average. Going to the bars, bottles of Tito's. I'd wake up straight to drinking, working like crazy. I didn't have time to work seven days a week, couldn't have time for a hangover, so I had to stay. I had to have alcohol in my system all the time to function or I'd be sleeping Damn. So it was pretty intense.
Speaker 1:So, or I'll be sleeping, damn. So it was pretty intense, so pretty much. Yeah, your, your baseline was a 0.15.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, I start my day with a half pint, just to get started with my coffee.
Speaker 1:Okay, and I mean at that point, like you said, you know a lot of the drinking related from the divorce. You know pity party, whatever the fuck it was, but I mean, between the divorce and when you and I got together, how? How big of a gap was that five years I drank heavy for five years and you were to that point, like that day, I mean you you told me, I mean your kids weren't taught, like it wasn't that you couldn't see your kids per se, but your ex didn't fucking trust you.
Speaker 2:Your kids didn't even want to fucking be around you no, my kids did not want to have anything to do with me. My oldest daughter didn't talk to me for two years. Uh, occasional. I'll send her a text I love you and like two days later she'll say like I love you too, just to be nice, yeah, my yeah, exactly yeah, just like whatever, dad, like it's like you're a loser, I get it.
Speaker 2:My, my youngest daughter we did have her somewhat of a relationship. She would see me once like she would make a little bit of effort to see me, but she was very nervous to come over like I had to, I had to be completely sober. I had sober, I had to watch my words because I hurt her so many times, but she still hung in there. My oldest daughter I wasn't a good person, so definitely distanced that space for about two years with her losing my temper over typical alcoholic talk, yelling over stupid things, throwing stuff, complete mess of a household, and it was just terrible so you had the relationship with the kids that was going south.
Speaker 2:I mean, obviously you were already divorced, um, but then you had a new girl I had the girl in my dreams and I still couldn't get sober like the girl I fell in love with the first time I met her, um, every, everything I prayed for in life, everything I I wanted her sweetness, her ambitions, her personality. She's gorgeous, like out of this world to me and like so in love and I was still like just wanting to hold on to like the pain that I was carrying. She didn't. It was very toxic, lots of breakups, lots of yelling. I mean her. I can't believe her family even gives me a second chance after all the hell and abuse I put them through. It was bad, like court, like the stories I did were just like why I don't understand, yeah she has her own kids.
Speaker 2:She had to keep me away from them definitely. I probably went two years without being introduced to her kids. I definitely hurt her kids with my alcohol, so it's crazy man.
Speaker 1:So conversation, you kind of sober up for you know, two, three days start drinking again. I don't think we had really established too much of a relationship then, like we, we chatted here and there you came out to visit us in Fountain Hills Arizona, went back, um, eventually I got you to come to the UCS, the ultimate closer with Brad.
Speaker 1:You went VIP and I think that's when I started to notice that you were paying attention a little bit more, but still super, super lost, because you had sometime between all this I don't remember exactly when the date was it was kind of, I think, your second awakening that you tried to get help, you tried to get yourself up, but you called me and just needed to have another conversation and I mean, I think and I don't know if you want me to say this, but I think you were trying to leave Robin, because you were afraid of you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a hundred percent, because I thought she deserved better and I didn't. I didn't think I could get better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause you had started drinking again, you started doing the same bullshit again. I think you'd probably pissed her off recently or something. Yeah, pissed her off all the time and uh, like, I mean the conversation that we had was odd for me, but it was. You know, it's a conversation I know how to handle because it's, you know, not unique to everyone. But I mean you were lost and you you were like trying to put it on her, but in reality it was just fucking you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's when you called me a bitch.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's when I really called you a bitch.
Speaker 2:And when I think back, how much of a bitch I sounded like.
Speaker 1:I mean that could that conversation that we had? I mean, there was no other way to have that other than, like, dude, you need to be put in your fucking place because, like you would tell me, like no, robin's not mad at me, I don't want it to end, I don't want this and I'm like why the fuck, are you saying?
Speaker 1:this like dude. You realize it's everything that's in your mind and you, I don't know if you dig yourself into holes and you start spinning yourself up and you put I mean, I've, you know, I'm a fucking alcoholic too, one of the best yeah, and I was that same way, like I'll find the smallest thing that goes wrong in my life and I'll blame, especially while I was drinking. I'll blame everybody but me. Yeah, of course. Why? Because you're sitting there and you're like fucking, it's not me, I'm fucking awesome.
Speaker 2:Somehow you become, you cause all the problems in your life, but somehow you're the victim and everybody else is the problem.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're the victim, you're the solution.
Speaker 2:You're all in one.
Speaker 1:At least for me. Maybe you're the same way when I drink. It's even worse Because when I drink I'm freaking awesome. Everybody else has a problem with me.
Speaker 2:It's not me being the problem. Eco goes to the root, because when you're drinking you're like I'm a badass, but yeah, you just look like a loser.
Speaker 1:So what did I tell you? So I remember one funny thing. We were actually on a Zoom call with you and Robin, I think both of you and one of the things I mean, you're apparently addicted to Ben.
Speaker 2:Roethlisberger or something. It's a Pittsburgh Steelers, huge Pittsburgh Steelers fan. You kind of ruined it for me, though.
Speaker 1:Did I yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, we're on the phone, we're sitting by my house, we're sitting outside. This is when we first started connecting and I'm like Robin Jonathan called me. I really like this guy. He's helped me out with life. I think I can get past my issues. I can make the turn. Let me introduce you to him. I really like him.
Speaker 1:I respect him that was the first phone call I'd ever spoken with her.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we're talking and there's like things I held on to the past. That just was like I love the Pittsburgh Steelers Like I boy, I still do, but not the same. I had to have the house clean. It was like I have to watch it. I have to watch it and you're like when is Pittsburgh Steelers ever sucked your dick?
Speaker 1:That's what it was. It's like, well, shit.
Speaker 2:I'm going to tell, every time you watch the Steelers, you get drunk and I was like, hey, what have they fucking blown you? Yeah, never, yeah. And I'm like what am I doing with? Like, change my whole perspective, change different. I actually lost a lot of friends over things like that. Like what are you doing for me? Oh, like I I want to give to people, but like what are they doing for me? Are they just taking a lot for me? And that the steelers were one of the like they don't care if I'm watching or not, they don't give a shit they're making all their money.
Speaker 1:You, you're just living your fantasy of not being them by watching them.
Speaker 2:It was almost like at the time when I became a Steelers fan. I wasn't drinking. I was in a marriage that I bring this up all the time. I was 130 pounds. I had a beautiful wife that didn't respect me. She loved me. I had kids that didn't respect me but loved me. I was working 16-hour days. Nobody respected me. Did you respect yourself? No hour days. Nobody gave like. Nobody respected me and respect yourself? No, not even close. The steelers was like my only escape because I couldn't go to like an alcohol, because my wife would have took off immediately because I put her through hell with it in the past. So the steelers was like oh, I get three hours to escape my reality that I created and and so when I'm thinking now I'm like why would I stop my life? I love my life. Why would I stop it to watch a game if I don't have to?
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I'll watch football if it's on, but I'm not going out of my way and you know that's cool, so you know.
Speaker 1:Second big conversation, I mean we're kind of jumping around a little bit, so these aren't all the exact same phone calls. There was a handful you basically blaming everyone else but yourself, for I don't even actually know what the hell you were going through. I think you were just in a place where you were lost too. And then I get I don't remember was it you that text me, or I think I text you after not hearing from you for a while or something. There was this one week build up and it might have been right after that call even of you going to rehab. Yeah, I don't remember how close those were together.
Speaker 2:I actually came the ultimate closer here. Yes, love the energy that you brought, love being close to you. Brittany is always nice to me. I wanted to be close and I told Robin we have to like proudly talk about proximity is everything it's like.
Speaker 2:Well, I didn't have the money at the time but I'm like I'm going to find me an apartment here, well, here, well, I didn't know at the time, I didn't know this at the time, but I was like, okay, I was in california doing some work and I couldn't get back on the airplane, like to go back to new mexico, like just couldn't get myself. I sat in the airport for seven hours just staring and I was, I was drinking, I was coming off my buzz. It's like I can't go back. We're gonna go. Uh, arizona, get, just move there.
Speaker 2:I didn't care, like I had to give up on everything because I can't get better. I can't stop drinking. My life is horrible. I gotta make changes. Um, I'm like the, like jonathan andy, although the elliot group, just the energy that this area brings, it's like, okay, I think that's gonna help me get sober. Moved, uh, moved. The chandler got a place in. Chandler went off the deep end. It was like in complete freedom. Of course, robin was mad at me for doing it. She didn't trust because she didn't trust me at all, so I had to listen to her bitch Every time.
Speaker 1:I talked to her. It was just her. That's what led to the second big conversation, Because you got the house and I didn't say anything about it. But I was kind of like, okay, good for you, I get why you're doing it, but I also get who you are right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just not Ended up being the right decision. I had to go through that bad relapse you had a fucking bum.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was like six days I got arrested twice over being drunk, over doing stupid shit, and so I was like I got to come to Arizona, stay there. Well, just get away from everything I ever knew. Stayed here got even worse and I was like Robin's, like she was done, like I got a call from her. I was like robin's, like she was at her, she was done, like I got a call from her. She was like done somehow. My, my buddy that my best friend growing up has I'm gonna talk to maybe once a year. He decided to call me that day. Somehow I got egotistical, called him a dumbass, like the dude was always there for me and I was putting him down. That was the one guy I never called to bail me out because he was always there for me. I'm like I don't want to hurt that friendship. And then I heard it, his wife called me at midnight. Hey, sean, can't sleep, we got to figure something out. You, he's not hurt, he's just like worried about you. You know I did the fuck yous, you don't know what you're talking about. Um, yeah, she calmed me down, talked to him for a while. I was like all right, well, my life's a mess anyways, I got and I and I was, I was honestly suicidal or go to Mexico, like my daughter said, I want to talk to me. My, my girl that I love, didn't want to talk to me. I got no friends. I got no family. My parents were probably praying that I was going to die. So I'm like I'm going to better than shooting myself. Flew to Pittsburgh. He's like dude, you need to get help Like this, isn't you? Get your head out of your ass. His wife stayed up with me while I relapsed or, you know, withdrawed, and he went and put me in some rehab. That was like a dump and I'm like, dude, I can walk out. I'm going to walk right out. Let me find one that I'm going to stay in. Um. Flew to Dallas the next day. That's when you like I was actually like within like two days, like I was detoxing, when you texted me. You reached out and I'm like dude, I'm going to rehab. I'm really good for you. Hit me up when you're done. You hit me up like two weeks later just to check up. But yeah, I didn't know if they were going to good rehab, but I the I about three days in is when it hit me, when rehab, when I really wanted to get sober for real and it was like a switch.
Speaker 2:I'm sitting there looking around, listen to everybody complain, listen everybody's problems. I'm like man, these are a bunch of losers. And I really had to look into myself and realize I'm here. There's no difference between them and me. They're looking at me like I'm a loser. I'm like I'm I know better than this like I'm working hard, I'm doing everything. I'm at the gym still, even though I'm drinking. I'm doing everything right. I just can't break this habit. I can't get my life in order, you know. Yeah, that was a cool story.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm so glad I went so let's talk about rehab for a little bit because you know I sobered up a while ago I didn't use rehab, rehab. But I know a lot of people it would probably be beneficial for. But I think a lot of people are scared of it because one there's, like you know, the shitty rehab that you know you're some insurance companies will cover and they just want you for the 28 days for the insurance check and good fucking luck. See what happens, but like what was okay. You said that was exactly what it was, yeah.
Speaker 1:It was a 28 day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we don't really. I mean, they do their programs but they really don't care. Day three is when you kind of realize that you're a loser. Well, it's almost like you're putting yourself in a glorified prison. I mean, next step is prison, but you're already in prison when you're drinking.
Speaker 1:You're in your own prison.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're in your own prison, so you lock yourself up, which is torture.
Speaker 1:And then what happened to me is you hear these people talk about the same thing every single day and you said earlier, like you're looking at these people before you really know them, judging the fuck out of them by how they look, how they carry themselves Like you're a freaking loser.
Speaker 2:You're a loser. And there I mean there's some super successful people there that you're like how are you messing up? Same problem everybody else has. They got sober, but they have the money, they have the business, but they didn't find the reality that they were looking for. So they go back. But when I was about, you know, you go day four.
Speaker 2:The same people trying to like they say the same story. Like you never heard it before. Like I just spent an hour listening to this shit yesterday. Now I've got to listen all over again. I'm thinking about what made me lose everybody in my life. I'll call my parents. Oh, this is what. This is my problem. This is my problem Just telling them my problems and not listening to any solutions.
Speaker 2:Like there's obviously clear solutions to your problems, you obviously know the solutions, but you're not willing to listen. So people cut you out. All these people tell the same story over and over again and you're like I'm not, I don't want to be this anymore, I want to build a life. And so it kind of gives you time. You do learn certain like you hear people's stories and what really happens is you realize what you don't want to like mimic, you don't want to like you don't want to be that person and you already are and you've got to make changes. So I took my time there writing down. You told me and Robin to write down what our future like, what's our dream day, what's our dream week in a year from now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, perfect day if you were to wake up. Everything's perfect pop. And what does it look like? In as much detail as you?
Speaker 2:can, yeah, and we did that. We went to Vegas, we did that, Then we turned into and then of course I was an alcoholic so we started drinking.
Speaker 1:So all that stuff basically is meaningless when you take that time, yeah, when you're drinking, even if it's like, even when you're sober, when you do it, when you drink like, you get this false sense. Really, it's your two beer buzz is who the fuck you want to be. I think everybody who has a drinking problem, everyone who just enjoys drinking or is maybe an introvert, I think your two beer buzz is who you really want to be sober. But the problem is, if you go beyond that two, that day everything you thought about.
Speaker 2:It was all fake.
Speaker 1:It's always all alcohol, infused alcohol, confidence and, like, you'll never get it without sobriety, confidence, and I'm not saying you know, I'm not saying everybody needs to be so bright I got no problem.
Speaker 2:People are controlling. I'm a little fucking jealous of them. Yeah, me too. I'd love to have two or three. I wish I could have one, but then now I look at it, why would I even want that one?
Speaker 1:yeah, when you yeah no, I'm finally to that point, which is gold Is there anything else big in rehab Kind of? Realizations you had, conversations you had with anyone? Did you talk to your kids at all? Did they even really know, or do you know?
Speaker 2:My youngest daughter would answer my phone call. Robin was really supportive of me. She answered the phone every night. We talked for maybe 30 minutes to an hour. Just really had some time to self-reflect and write down my goals right down.
Speaker 2:Those dream days I read what's crazy. It's been, it's almost been a year of sobriety. Within 10 months I got the house that I we wrote down. We got that I'm making the income which I wish I would have went bigger. But I didn't think the income I wrote down was possible and I hit it hard. I'm like I'm gonna chase. I'm gonna chase, I'm going to do everything that if I have anxiety and like I do believe that we know deep down the decisions we're supposed to make. And I was telling myself this in rehab like how do I have the like, how do I get myself to push that hard to actually do what myself is telling me to do? And I did it. And when you have nothing to lose, you have no family, you got no friends, it's easy to do. So I was racking up like an extra like 20, 30k a month just right out of rehab because I had no fear, I had nothing to lose I could just go well.
Speaker 2:Then you get to the point where you're actually have stuff to lose again. Now you're actually like walk on eggshells. You're like, oh shit, I can't, can't mess that up and you're trying to manipulate everything, right, but I mean I was pretty cool. That was the big thing about rehab and just slowing yourself down, realizing that you can lose everything. Like I was afraid to lose jobs, I didn't want to go to rehab. I was afraid to lose, like what people thought about me, which is awesome because I quit caring what people thought about me and the people, the people that would judge you for going to rehab like one.
Speaker 2:they're just fucking saints and and I'd love to meet them if they, if they've got no skeletons in the closet, and they're that great of a person.
Speaker 1:You know you have the right to judge, I guess. If your name's Jesus, yeah, um. But realistically, if anyone judges you for going to rehab, fuck you. You don't need them in their life. Like if you don't understand like fucking shit's real.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not it's not what I realize. It's not for them to understand or do I care? I got the girl in my dreams. The house in my dreams I got my kids back. The job in my dreams I'm living my life any jobs did you know?
Speaker 1:well, I gave you. I was gonna say you had a job, I had. You have like eight jobs.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I got now I got five and I'm loving it, I'm kicking ass with it and it's's been amazing. And it's like, yeah, I didn't lose a job. I do have a great boss that got me through it. He took over my work for me to get me there, yeah, so it's like you got loyalty forever. Now. It's like you helped me get sober. You took this chance on me. He didn't want me to go, but he's like well, I'll cover you.
Speaker 1:It says a lot about him. Know, definitely I'll have your back, even if they don't want it. They know it's good for you. And if I mean at the same time, I mean he might have I don't know, maybe he has addiction his problem and he knew that like he needs to push you not to go a little bit, because it has to be 100% your decision, it's gotta be fuck you. I'll lose everything over this because you're, when you go sober, you're losing your entire life, as you know it. Like I drank for, so I didn't like I would go to do the sober thing and I didn't know how to have fun.
Speaker 1:It's hard, it's really hard to find fun when you're going through so when you were going through it, cause I kind of want to relate it to me just a little bit to help other people. But like so, like my first month, or really two months I get took mental energy to like plan. I mean did sparkly water, lime or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what if they bring a?
Speaker 1:beverage by. I say no, I had to have that but now I'm to the point I think I'm like I didn't actually pick a date. I'm five-ish months like I'm to the point now where I'm finally like I'll get bored and I go to the fucking gym yeah, I'm not drinking, so like I don't have anything to do at night, I'm like, fuck, let's go to the gym again.
Speaker 2:Like what did you?
Speaker 1:replace? Did you replace?
Speaker 2:it with anything well, I spent. I spent about 20 days in rehab and I came to arizona. I took about two weeks to myself. I stayed away from everybody, like I didn't talk to robin, I didn't barely talk to my kids. I didn't want to say I was very embarrassed and very ashamed of who I became and, like when you're sober for that long, you have to go through all those like I you have to go through all those pain, like I actually hurt people, like emotionally and verbally, and you're like I have to face these people one day, like I have, like I wanted to run from my problems.
Speaker 2:I couldn't. I have to see my kids. Yeah, so I spent two weeks in my place here in arizona just like dealing with these emotions and like I ran a lot, I work out a lot, um, cooked at home. I didn't go out. I kept myself in prison another two weeks. Yeah, we go to the walmart, come back too much energy to watch movies, go for like lots of walks, lots of runs on a treadmill, stuff like that. Now I'm kind of hooked to the gym. If anything, the gym is not my vice for sure. Like people start, like people want too much out of me or like I can only handle so much running, start my day over again and that's that's my restart. Uh, hit the gym, get back to work. And if work's getting too complicated, I still hit the gym and that's my, like my my vice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's not a bad uh bad, I mean horrible addiction and fuck.
Speaker 2:Worst thing is you get fucking jacked and look like schwarzenegger, yeah worst thing that fucking happens is it was scary and what a good atmosphere. Right, you can go to the bar and listen to people complain, and or you can go to the gym and just people smile.
Speaker 1:I tell people this you could take a packed bar 500 people, same square foot. There's gonna be a fight left and you can put the same people in a gym, just as fucking packed with some weights and shit, fucking fights.
Speaker 2:Yeah, peaceful. The thing about the gym is half the people can fucking fight. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And they're like fit enough to fight if they need to, yeah, they don't want to, they don't do it there because it's the mindset it's own prison I mean, did you know you were going to do that, or did you end up in arizona and just like you, couldn't leave.
Speaker 2:You felt like you needed it, like I didn't know what I was gonna do. I didn't have a plan. I knew I'd uh, I knew I had to get back to work. So I had to leave rehab because they let you have your phone but they keep you pretty busy and I'm like I have to go, I have to get back to work. I was. I wasn't losing money at that point, but I was.
Speaker 2:I think I was energetic, I was riding that pink cloud pretty hard. I'm like I'm just going to go kick some ass. And so when I did that, I did make some a lot. I took that energy and just put it to phone calls and started racking up relationships, rebuilding. My parents didn't even know I was out of rehab, so I didn't tell them for like that two weeks. And when I told them I was, I think they got terrified Like, oh crap, he's gonna come back to clove is there, you know, come back home. And I'm like, no, I'm not coming back home, I'm gonna get my life together, like I'm making changes. And you say that I said that for five years. So how could they believe that? Yeah, you'd already fucking burn those bridges with everybody yeah so what?
Speaker 1:what relationships like let's not talk about your kids and robin for a second but like what other relationships have you, um, like, reestablished? Have you gotten closer with people that are outside of the immediate? Since you've done?
Speaker 2:that. So right now I got more people in my life than I ever have.
Speaker 2:Um people come to me for like getting connected, but basically, I basically take your information, I still your energy, right, like you're an outlet source, so like I'll come hang out with you for a night, or me and Robin will come, we'll hang out with you guys for a night. We'll go to it any Elliot man, see everybody, or go even come see you there. You can grab that energy and you're like, do I just? I, I just stole your energy, right, and I'm like I'm going to go, take this and give it to everybody. And when you start giving that to people, people are like craving because they're living in a zombie land, like I was. So then I got more people calling me than I know what to do with.
Speaker 2:I do have like I'm missing. I've burned some relationships or taking a little bit more time because they're friendships and they owe me nothing and they owe me nothing. But I did have good, solid group of guys in my life that got me. They took me from one of my best friends, took me from working at a dairy making 60K a year, believing in me enough to kind of mentor me, and I blew that relationship with him and he got me making six figures. He showed me life, took me on trips, really spent, he invested his time in me and I couldn't get off. I couldn't quit drinking for him and he didn't want me to sink him down because he he had a drinking problem. So he's like I can't do this anymore. So I burnt that bridge I'm not slowly working way up and I got another group of like three or four friends that we're kind of building a little bit of trust in yeah, you guys kind of all trust each other again yeah, it's been.
Speaker 2:It's been tough, but other than that I got. I mean, I can't go to the gym without and get a workout, like I have to go to a different gym and then it's crazy. But my personality is a talker, so I go to that gym, meet somebody. I'm talking to them for the whole hour.
Speaker 1:So yeah, see, I'm the opposite of the gym. It's like my miserable quiet time where I just like beat my own ass. You gotta got to work out harder.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's it, I got to learn. Yeah, but no, that's killer dude.
Speaker 1:So establishing, I mean past relationships with friends from back in the day. So let's talk about the ones that actually matter. Um, so let's talk about Robin first. So you know, your 20 days rehab she actually supported you. I mean, I would honestly say I mean, do you think anyone actually believed when you went to rehab that you were fucking going to do it?
Speaker 2:No, not one person. Not even Robin. Not even Robin. Three days in, I knew I was.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to interview her because I want her to ask the reverse to that question.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she didn't believe me. I had to text her. She didn't think I was going to rehab. I had to like, when I walked in, I had to like show her pictures there. And then they do take your phone the first night and so I'm like I'm giving my phone away.
Speaker 1:She thought I was at a bar, right like so she thought you were trying to just save the fucking relationship what an addict right.
Speaker 2:You bullshit every situation.
Speaker 1:So, and she's like I've met her I mean met her many times, spoken to her many times now.
Speaker 2:I mean she is awesome, she's a really good girl so like I mean, she was to the point with you where you were taking her down yeah, oh, big time she out, she, we, we both met broken and she got past it and she was outgrowing. She actually started meeting you guys and watching like your videos and like andy's videos and she's like I'm gonna get better. And she got better quick. And she's like working out, building relationships, going to church again doing everything.
Speaker 1:Like she came to an event, like a week later she was doing her workout yeah, she just like, well, she's a killer.
Speaker 2:Yeah like she doesn't, nothing stops her.
Speaker 1:So I'm like, I'm like, oh crap so a lot of people, though, like they think, like you know, the wives, the girlfriends, like you know they should trust. Fuck that shit. Like you break it enough. No one's gonna fucking trust your ass and really they do a disservice when they trust you because they're married to you or because it's a long-term relationship, because a lot of times the wives will ignore it. Yeah, almost in a way or the you know good, the deeper relationships.
Speaker 2:But a certain point like I mean so, so she didn't believe you were fucking there no, she didn't believe I was there and I don't think she really cared, like she couldn't hurt over me again. She was like, she was like she had to protect herself.
Speaker 2:She had to protect herself and she had to get away from me before I killed myself or died, because it's like I don't want to like stay with him and then he'd be dead in three months and I gotta grieve that I'd rather. I'd rather get away from him now. Then, if I find out he's dead, it's like, yeah, it hurts, but not as bad like I didn't rely on him. So I don't think she really cared. I think she was just protecting herself, like go, rehab, don't think she really cared. I think she was just protecting herself Like go, rehab, don't go. Like she wanted me not dead. So she did support me to get there and I think she was just going to cut ties Like cool, you got there, like you're on your own and like I know who she was and I know who she was to me. So I was like I'm like I'm working for she said you hurt things so bad.
Speaker 2:It does take time. She gave me six months to prove it. I didn't prove it for her. I knew who I was, but she needed to give herself six months to really believe it. Then I could be around her kids again. Me and her kids just connected. Great, it's a whole different relationship. You're a different person. Exactly, I had to explain that to them because they were still hurt by me. Like I get it, but I'm a different person, like I'm a whole different person, that's that's killer.
Speaker 1:So when do you think? I mean, we'll just go with her six months, but when do you?
Speaker 2:think you realize like when you're at rehab?
Speaker 1:was it after you're at rehab, when you're like? You know what I think I'm to the point where I can avoid this shit.
Speaker 2:Three days in. You really think that was it? Yeah, three days in. I remember sitting there like I'm never doing this again.
Speaker 1:I never.
Speaker 2:So what was the difference?
Speaker 1:between that three days and the other three days that you have, because you told me you sober up here a couple times to try to do this, try to do that. It's always right back to it Me too.
Speaker 2:I guess when you're out in the world, there's always somebody Like you can go to a bar and meet somebody. There's always a church you can go to. When you're by yourself, there's nothing and you actually have to deal with your pain.
Speaker 1:See, it's funny because when I got serious about sobering up and not like half-assed sobering up or seeing if it worked out like your out-of-body experience was very similar to mine I was, you know.
Speaker 2:I got a tesla. So I was like. I found out, every tesla charger has a bar next to it.
Speaker 1:So I was charging my tesla one day and I'm sitting there at the bar drinking and these people to the right of me are annoying the fuck out of me because they're just bitching, crying, whining. You know they're probably 10, 15 years older than me and I'm just thinking in the back of my mind you guys are fucking losers. You need to get a life, you need to go do something. And then, like all of a sudden, I looked at myself from above, sitting there head down, dicking around on my phone. I'm like the only difference between me and them is they have friends to talk to and I'm sitting here by myself yeah, and I pissed my wife off, you know shortly after that because of drinking and all of a sudden.
Speaker 2:But I did have that like outer body experience. We're like dude, you're a fucking loser too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's like you don't think you're doing anything. I mean, even when you're drinking heavy you don't think you're doing anything because you're not fucking.
Speaker 2:Just learn how to operate really well on it well, and you're still like doing your job and you still got your kids making good money. Yeah, well, really, that's what I thought. I was making good enough money. I thought I was like, oh god, if well, why are you judging me? I'm still doing it. Yeah, you're still asking to do shit?
Speaker 1:yeah, it's kind of the same way so you get the relationship, um you know, back with robin. It took a while for her to kind of get back into it, um. So you get through that dude and I mean let's talk about, like, your kids, how long did that relationship take to. Let's talk about your oldest, because I want to go, yeah, my oldest is.
Speaker 2:It's crazy like I'm so thankful for you in my life over this one, because I never thought we're gonna and I got sober and I got my life right in time before it was too late, but she didn't talk to me for two years and then I got, I went to rehab. She didn't I don't think she took my call in rehab she said, okay, like didn't care, like I was out of her life and I honestly so like she has. Um, my ex-wife has a guy in her life that they've been together six years and my biggest fear was my ex-wife has a guy in her life that they've been together six years and my biggest fear was watching him walk her down the aisle and it lived in my head and it was a fear Like I couldn't sleep at night.
Speaker 1:I'm like I've got to get my life in order before that happens, because she didn't want anything to do with me and he's like how old is she now? She's 15.
Speaker 2:Okay, so probably 15, 14 during during all this, yeah so, yeah, so I got out of rehab. She still didn't take my call. I'll text her once a week or so, like my youngest talked to me a little bit. Still didn't trust me. But she'll talk to me. My oldest, I'll text her. I love you. Uh, I learned to. I didn't have any way to connect with her besides buy her stuff, so I'll bring her, I'll drop off like she wouldn't come out and say hi, I never got a thank you or anything, but like Lululemon or like I bought you this. I was spending hundreds and thousands probably about $1,000 a month trying to buy love.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to get your attention somehow Like I love you.
Speaker 1:She should have held off for a couple more months. She might have gotten the Louis V. I know gosh.
Speaker 2:Somehow, like I love you, she should have held off for a couple of months. She might got the louis v. I know gosh, so I was. I was trying to show her I love her through buying her stuff, materialistic bullshit. Yeah, and it was, she didn't.
Speaker 1:She really doesn't care about she does, but she doesn't people like it, but that's not what they want in the relationship.
Speaker 2:She wanted me in her life but she wanted to trust me and our relationship before I was drinking was amazing. She was my best friend. Both my daughters were really close. I was like that dad. That was like we come home from work, watch tv with them, eat dinner, give them. I gave him a bath every night. I was the one to put him to bed, my ex-wife put in the bed too. It's like we had a we had that like ideal family image, but it wasn't. We didn't really have relationships. So we we were me and my oldest were really close before the alcohol. And then when I started drinking nothing to do so she would start taking my phone calls, I think for my birthday. She actually like, let me take her out for dinner. And I was like, well, this is all like I light up, but she's one of my, you know, of course she's my daughter.
Speaker 2:I'm like this is awesome. Started slowly working on it and then she seen me happy. So when she seen me smiling all the time, that's when she she made it the connection to where we're close again. And now she's working two jobs selling the barbecue sauce that you helped her make like $1,500 on in one day. Yeah, so it was crazy. Yeah, so I mean a year and a half, I mean a year ago.
Speaker 1:She wouldn't talk to you. And then yeah it was like a month ago she came and stood there with you, had the courage to get in front of you know, some of those powerful closers on Earth and pitch them, live in front of a group which was killer and made a little bit of dough there. But I mean, yeah, just I mean seeing her with you. She'll come out to arizona with you now spend the weekend. I mean both your kids.
Speaker 2:So yeah, that's really fucking killer. She'll fly up and we'll spend time and it's been neat watching her and she's she's my personality, she's seeing those cars there.
Speaker 1:She's like dad, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get rich, I'm gonna marry rich, I'm gonna make money, I can't wait to have this my own like, yeah, dude so I mean that's really all I got, man, because I don't really want to go like my normal shit of just fucking with people or anything like this tone, but do you?
Speaker 2:have anything you want to talk about no, just thank you for everything you've done for me and my life and my future. Cool man. Well, we'll catch everyone again soon.
Speaker 1:Check out the next episode. I'll definitely bring some people on and also I've got my new podcast studio set up, which, for those of you that are watching this on video uh, you're probably now watching a blank screen cause my camera just died, but y'all have an amazing one. Um, I'll probably, you know, talk about some issue. I'm gonna talk about the education system and stuff here pretty soon, so stay tuned, subscribe, share the stuff, because uh yeah, the government doesn't love it, or CNN same thing,
